The joy of now

I've spent a great deal of my life waiting. Longing.
Waiting to grow up and go to college and move out and be an adult.
Waiting to get married.
Waiting, oh the agonizing waiting, to be a mother.
Waiting to be a mother again.
The years I've spent waiting.

I'm learning something at thirty.
Life doesn't just have to be about waiting for the next grand adventure.
Sometimes the best moments are now.

I spent the three years we tried for another baby so sad. My heart longed to give my boy a sibling.
When I look back on it now, yes, it was sad, but there was also a lot of joy. A lot of fun and laughter and life being lived. I wish I could go back and tell myself that it would all turn out okay. That I didn't have to fear the future, that I could just LIVE and it would be enough.

It's not quite time for baby number three. I know it in my heart.
I'm determined to do things differently.
I can enjoy the now.
The now with my beautiful boys, growing so fast.
The now of being thirty, as I start to notice a few gray hairs and realize that I won't have this metabolism forever, so I may as well enjoy a little ice cream. The now of being old enough to know how life works, yet young enough to change things.

I don't want to spend the rest of my days waiting.
Now is so good.
Plans are great, plans are exciting, but now is real.

And then you were five

My sweet boy, how are you five? The fact that I have been taking care of you for this long boggles my mind. And yet, at the same time, I don't really remember life before you. I don't really want to.

 We had a simple celebration this year. Small. Close knit. Just some of Daddy's family, and your two little buddies from church, Kingston and Ella. Your parties used to be grandiose. Chaotic. Loud. And you cried each time. This year we did things differently, and you didn't cry. Perhaps, like your mom, you just don't do crowds very well.

You are many things, sweet Logan. You are wise beyond your years, yet sensitive and so innocent still. You love your brother and you love your family. You always smell a little bit like sweat. You like science, and super heroes, and chocolate milk. You like Katy Perry and dancing like crazy and you crave routine.

You've been sick this week. The horrible stomach virus has visited us again. It's been awful. But you've let me hold you, for the first time in maybe a year. You're a big kid now, and I cherish the gift of getting to hold you one more time.

I experienced so much anxiety when you were born. For the first time in my life I experienced the kind of love that made me fearful of loss. I prayed for you for years and years before you came into existence. And then you were here and I became terrified of messing this up somehow.

You've taught me so much about life and love and what it means to be a mom. The way you love your brother is a gift to me and to your dad. You bring us laughter, and chaos, and so many smiles.

Five is going to be a big year for you, kid.
I love you.
Mom.  

Why God gives us girlfriends

I live in a house full of boys (just in case the name on the top of the page didn't give that away). I love my people. I love that I get to be a wife to a good man and a mom to the two cutest little people I've ever seen. These people are fun. They like to do fun boy things like see who can fart the loudest, see who can have the smelliest feet, and see who can make me jump the highest by scaring me with lizards (I hate lizards).

I love these people and have fun with these people and consider these people my mission field.
But I'm still a girl (Woman? Can I say woman at 30? The word still feels weird to me). And sometimes I want to talk about my FEELINGS (I'm sorry to be a stereotype. Really). These people don't really like talking about feelings. I get that. I grew up with brothers. But try as I might, I can't make my feelings go away.

I've been wanting another baby. Like NOW. Or YESTERDAY. I know it's not the right time. Ben and I have already established that if we are to be responsible adults, we absolutely must wait before adding another tiny person to the planet. On paper, I totally get that. My ovaries don't really care what's on paper. Not one iota.

Yesterday, I was really feeling it. I keep praying I won't want another. And won't you know, the more I pray, the stronger the pull on my heart gets. It's very annoying, actually. The cool thing about yesterday, is even though I was bummed, in a big old funk, my girlfriends just kind of knew it and started texting me. Emily, all the way from LA, was going on about how wanting a third baby doesn't make me some kind of freak show, that I'm normal, that I am female and it's totally okay. Gosh I wanted to hug her through my outdated Iphone. She was such a blessing to me when I was expecting to wallow and she was just great at lifting my spirits.

Then my other good friend, Andrea, did the same thing. Emily and Andrea don't even know each other, but it was almost like they planned it. Andrea went on to encourage me and tell me that this is not the end of the story, that it's totally okay to be in a funk some days and I am indeed normal.

I am so thankful God gave me girlfriends to do life with. There are so many, and each of them seems to be there for me at exactly the right time. I don't even ask, they just know. And I know it's a God thing. The family I came from is broken, and extremely tangled, and there has been more than a little heartache. But God has placed some key women in my life who have become my sisters. Sisters I can share things with and not worry about being judged. Sisters I can just be FEMALE with. Sisters who remind me that even though I am in a house full of boys, it's okay to paint my nails and watch Parenthood and just be a girl sometimes.

I am super grateful God gave me some of the best ladies around.

Simplifying

Ever since life changed forever back in October, I've been feeling the urge to simplify. To purge my possessions and keep only what is necessary or beautiful to my family.

Back when everything changed, I knew I couldn't make my sadness go away or turn back time and heal my dad, but the one thing I could do is make my home a place of peace. I started reading blogs on minimalism. Blogs that claim that letting go of things that require upkeep and space will help us feel more in control. I decided to give it a try.

Since then, I've made countless trips to Goodwill. I've sold some bigger items. And there is a lot more space. Without mindless shopping trips, there is more money for better food. For family experiences. For memories to be made.

I don't miss the stuff. Not at all.

It's easier to get dressed, because I have five shirts to choose from, not twenty five.
And five is still a lot.

We got rid of cable. Which is another form of simplifying. Less noise, no more advertisements telling my kids they need the latest toy. Now they are realizing they have everything they could ever really want already.

I simplified parties. I used to use my kid's birthdays as a way to invite everyone I know over. It was really overwhelming (and costly). Since October, I can't do crowds. Now, birthday parties consist of two friends from church, maybe a grandparent. You might not even call them parties. But my kids are happier and life seems easier this way.

Since October, I've learned that I don't want to waste time trying to impress people or acquire fancier things. I can't please everyone anyway, and life is too short to try. Money is nice, but it's not the end goal. I am happy, I have everything I need, I needn't wish for more.

March Update

There was a time when I blogged almost every day and loved it so much.
Then I had another kid.
And suddenly my typing time all but vanished.
I love writing.
I love it like some of you like running (I have TRIED to like running. I hate it. I really hate it).
But even though my time may be limited and I can guarantee there is something more productive I should be doing, I'm getting back into this old hobby. Not because I think anyone will read this.
Only because I think way too much and writing is so much cheaper than paying someone to be my therapist.
 So, without further a due, here's a little update on my foursome:

-I turned thirty. I turned thirty and the world kept spinning and I only had one major freakout about where my life is going, why I haven't discovered world peace yet, whether or not my eggs are bad, what I should do with the rest of my life, and whether I should just give up healthy eating and binge on hot fudge because it's all downhill from here. Ben threw me a party. Which was way better than a gift. He invited some of my girlfriends from church and helped clean the house and even steamed the carpets. We partied like it was 1985 and I will remember that night forever.

-I am working on weaning my baby. Yes, I realize he's 16 months old. My goal was always 18 months, but people (relatives) started hounding me to wean him. It really bothers some people when you nurse passed 12 months. We are gradually weaning. Dropping one feeding and replacing it with cow's milk. It'll take a few weeks. I know it's time, but I want it on record that I am NOT weaning because some people keep telling me to. Truth be told it would be nice to not have to watch my caffeine intake or go on a date with my husband (I hear that can be fun).  

-Speaking of opinions, I keep hearing that 30 is the year I stop caring what other people think about my life choices. Oh I hope so. I'm reading The Best Yes by Lysa Terkeurst and it's opening my eyes to the fact that it's okay to say no, it's okay to not seek out everyone's approval, and that no matter how hard I try, not everyone will always like me (and that's a good thing). I wish I had known about fabulous Lysa back in college. Would have saved me so much money on counseling.

-I've been working on preschool with Logan. Since we are homeschooling, I chose not to send him to VPK, but we've been working at home and it's been good. Please don't roll your eyes when I tell you he's brilliant. I know every mom thinks their kids are, but he really is! His vocabulary is that of a forty year old's. He loves to spell, he loves science, and he loves to quote bible verses (In a cute way. Not in an annoying way, I promise ).

-Our house is nearly ready to sell. We have one bathroom left to remodel, and Ben is working hard on it. The kitchen is done, and I have fallen in love with it. If I didn't miss Orlando so much I'd start begging to stay put.

There's more, so much more, but my kid's breakfast isn't going to make itself.
Happy Friday.

Okay

I still miss him.
Most days I push the sad thoughts out of my mind. Sometimes, out of nowhere, I'll hear a song, and it triggers the tears. The Beatles, especially. I can't listen to them anymore.
It's been four months.
I haven't healed yet.
Unless denial counts as healed.
He's up there though. I know that.
He's holding the babies I only ever got to hold in my belly.
He's okay up there.
I know that much.
But I still hurt for all that wasn't.
The reconciliation that will have to wait until Heaven.
And I give thanks for those that continue to hold me. Listen to me. Tell me it's okay to cry, to cuss, to binge on simple carbohydrates.
He wasn't perfect.
Most of my life I just wished he'd come visit me, watch me grow up.
But I get it now.
He just did the best he could.
He was broken.
So beautifully broken.
But he's not anymore.
He's up there.
And he's okay. 

A month of Dave Ramsey

This is a post about money. If money talk makes you uncomfortable, maybe go read something else. I am learning that there's a freedom that comes from raw honesty. That sometimes when you pour your heart out, someone else has the courage to say me too.
Christmas sent us over the edge, financially speaking. Due to hospital bills and an unexpected, dental insurance denied root canal, we were struggling to pay the bills. Add in presents for our gigantic, blended family (we have 15 nieces and nephews, I am now one of 9 kids, Ben one of 6, not including the spouses) and we were washed to sea.
January came, and it forced us to take a good hard look at things. What were we spending? How could we do better? Was there any hope? 
The answer to that last question turned out to be a big resounding YES.
One week I was in the nursery at church with my lovely friend Karena. I was pouring out my heart, for some odd reason. She mentioned that she and her husband Brian (Logan's fabulous teacher, as it turns out) went through Dave Ramsey's financial peace program at the beginning of their marriage, and it has helped them so much. They invited us over for lunch. A life changing lunch, actually.
They had us write down everything. Ben's salary. Our bills. Money in. Money out. It was humbling. And also encouraging. We left realizing that there IS hope.
We cut cable. We sold some of our clutter and made $150. We cut our grocery bill by a third.
And we're okay.
We're well fed. I gave up chocolate, mostly because I was spending so much money on this habit. And then I gave up all refined sugar. Our budget benefited immediately, and my health improved significantly. My tooth pain vanished. My skin started to glow. My energy skyrocketed. And because I wasn't spending money on junk, I started buying more real food. Cooking from scratch. And it's kind of fun. Kind of.
I'm not sure what our next step will be. Every baby step we've taken has had a ripple effect. It's almost a game now, to see how little we can spend and how much we can save.
I think my favorite thing about our experiment has been how it's benefited our marriage. Ben is not a talker, never has been. But during this month of change we've had some raw talks about money, our family, our future. And there have been some miracles.
It's true what people say. When you're at the bottom there really isn't anywhere to go but up. We're excited to hope again.