Here's the good

Every new month of no, I try and try to look for the positives. Though the tests say negative, I look for the good. For years before Logan, and then three more years before Levi, and going on a year once more, I look for the good.

Can I be thankful that it is so damn difficult for us to have children?

Can I be thankful, even if I never get to have another?

Can I be thankful, for five losses and hundreds of dollars on pregnancy tests and crying in the bathroom at baby showers and confusion from doctors and trying my hand at just about every alternative therapy out there?
Where's the good?

Here's the good.

I never, EVER take my boys for granted. My friends often praise me for being so patient with my kids. I am patient with them because for years before they were here, patience was what I learned. I waited, because I had no choice. And that waiting made God's yeses all that much more miraculous. I don't like to complain because I remember the nights in tears, wondering if I'd ever be a mother. And now I am one and it's my favorite thing.

Here's the good.

My body is working. My efforts to get healthy, to eat real food and treat my body well are never wasted, even if there's no baby. Health is a gift, and if my body is a temple, I should be so grateful that it's finally working and that my hard work is paying off.

Here's the good.

I will never complain about morning sickness or weight gain or stretch marks, should God grant me the experience once more. I am sensitive in a way that is only gained from being there myself, time and time again. I will never complain about pregnancy because I know the blood, sweat and tears, the trying and the doubting and the mind games, I know it all. And I know that sometimes a complaining pregnant woman hurts the infertile like nothing else. I am grateful for this struggle because my heart for women has grown in a way it wouldn't have otherwise.

Here's the good.

I have yet another month to hope. I used to hate the word hope. Hope means pain. Hope means disappointment. Better to keep expectations down. But God wants me to hope. He wants me to pray and ask and strive and wait. In fact, he commands it. Look it up.

Here's the good.

Just for today, I will drink the caffeine. Have the glass of wine. Tell myself I am doing the best I can. Because it's true.

For you are my hope, oh Lord God, You are my trust from my youth. Psalm 71:5