Maybe that's okay

It's been a weird week.
Sunday we learned that another pregnancy wasn't going to make it. Two days later, Ben hopped on a plane for Wisconsin. He never travels for work, yet this week, he's been gone. He comes home tomorrow.
We've spent this grieving period away from one another.
I don't know how I feel about it.
The kids have been a huge distraction, in the best way, because they have no idea what's going on and they simply don't let me sit alone for more than a few minutes at a time. We've made multiple Target runs and gone for walks and of course kept up with Logan's homeschooling.
But the distractions aren't 100% effective.
I'm still sad.
Still wondering what we do from here on out.
Still grieving the dream of growing this family.
Wondering, picturing what this means for us.
I've been reading about Job. I like him. I like how he isn't afraid to blame God, and I like how the bible says that even in his blaming God, he didn't sin.
I'm blaming God right now.
He could have saved this pregnancy, as well as the others.
He didn't and I don't know why.
But maybe I'm not supposed to know why.
Maybe I'll never know why.
And maybe that's okay.