Arrows

 
Psalm 127:3-5: Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one's youth. Happy is the man who has a quiver of them.

I've clung to the scripture above for quite some time. Probably since we started trying for our first child, 8 years ago. I always prayed for a quiver full of my own little arrows. I dreamed of a full house, of a handful of kiddos that could be siblings and best friends. I thought, thanks to the aforementioned verse, that the more kids I had, the more blessed I would be.

 Most of our quiver won't be held by us until we get to Heaven.

With this last loss, something changed in me. I realize now that our family is complete. Two is our quiver. Two is enough. Two is a hell of a lot more than some people get. It stings, it's definitely the loss of a dream. I mourn what could have been, and to be honest, yes, I am angry at God right now. Probably why I am okay with typing things like "hell of a lot" without obsessing over what my church friends will think. Because my heart hurts like hell. Miscarriage will wreck your marriage if you let it. We aren't going to let it. 

So we're done. We're grateful for our two. We're going to focus on our unit of four and not believe the lie that our family would be better, would have more love if only we could grow it. Because we can't grow it. God said no. And I am going to be okay with that. We really don't have another choice.