A Week Without It

I mentioned in my last post that for the month of January, I am staying of Facebook and trying hard to focus on the word personal. To stop the comparison and the insecurity and the madness. Ironically, this blog is automatically set to post to Facebook any time I update.

It's been a little over a week, and I've noticed some changes, as well as some habits that seem to be deeply rooted.

 This week, rather than distracting myself with what you've had for lunch, or what restaurants you and your friends are checking into, or how many more of you are pregnant, I've allowed myself to sit with this sadness. I've been really afraid to do so. But I'm learning that I can't run from it, I must face it if I am to conquer it. Ironically, this was the week to take a pregnancy test. Or three. They were all negative.

This week, I've been honest with God. Told him that I feel so very alone in my spiritual journey, and that while I know he's with me, it sure doesn't feel like it. That I feel he's too busy solving the world's problems to listen to my pleas. I've gone on bike rides. People watched. Done yoga. Found solace in cooking and cleaning and even potty training my two year old. I've avoided friends and sat with my stomach aches and wondered where God is when I can't feel him.

I've felt really, really small this week. But I'm learning that this doesn't have to be a bad thing. I'm reminded of the motto from my youth group, many years ago. My youth pastor always used to say "I must decrease so Christ may increase." This week, I've cut out a lot of the junk. The noise that wants to steal my joy. What I am left with is this empty space. I don't know what God is going to do with it. I don't know if he will heal my heart or if I will always be a little bit sad no matter how much I fight for joy. I don't know. I can simply give him this space and wait. And against my better judgement, keep hoping.